life as I know it

circus of friends

2006-10-17T01:52:00.000-07:00

i really really hate being in the same circle of friends as CS because it means that an just about every social occasion or event HE rocks up...with his new girlfriend, ie the office floozy, in tow! and i really don't mind the fact that they're dating - i think it is all rather amusing really when he all of a sudden becomes affectionate towards her when capboy arrives, but it still grates my cheese to see HIM and HER.

take last night for example. a friend organised drinks and i caught a lift with him and we were the first to arrive...as per usual. anyways, he goes to draw money and i find us a large table, order myself a castle and then sit patiently for his to come back. he comes back, but with CS and floozy behind him. great. now its just me, CS, her and my friend. i smile brightly and welcome them and say how its so nice to see them while inside i am laughing to myself because, and i don't mean to be nasty, but she really is nothing to look at. i tell them how i'm halfway through my thesis, i tell CS about my cat who is very sick and then that was about it. i am now drumming my nails waiting even more patiently for capboy to arrive.

he walks through the door, and he is looking as hot as ever, CS turns to see who i am smiling so lovingly at and then he turns back to look at me and i ignore him while my eyes trail up and down CS's body as he walks towards me. apparently CS was throwing daggers in capboy's direction the minute he walked in the venue....ha ha ha ha! so petty!

capboy sits down next to me, gives me a kiss hello and then, i was very impressed, makes an effort with everyone he meets while his hand is on my leg. CS sees this and all of a sudden him and floozy went from looking as if they didn't know each other to a married couple. myself and a few of my other friends had to stifle a grin and a giggle!!

but i must say, office floozy while not being very attractive seems to be very sweet, shy but sweet. and i suppose i can be intimidating to a normal person - here she is trying to impress my (and i suppose CS) friends even though i'm sure she knows that most of them know what she did to me last year with CS and then being used by CS this year. i would not like to be in her shoes, purely because i couldn't handle people saying things about me behind my back and knowing that what they say is true...

so all in all, i'm feeling pretty good about myself and my life right now!

revenge is so sweet especially when its unplanned

2006-10-12T08:41:00.000-07:00

the question is: where to begin....

the reason i have been so quiet is because i've been studying for a silly test which i wrote today and i think i didn't do too badly...but now i'm back and only have to concentrate on my thesis which i fear is going to be too short but at this point, i really just don't care!

ah, now the fun stuff!!!

i managed to fit into my formal dress last friday for my hockey formal so perhaps i didn't need to lose those silly 5kgs! yes! go me! and if i don't mind saying - i looked damn hot! trust me, the reaction i got from CS was priceless and the reaction i got from his office floozy (yes, you remember her - the girl he pretty much chose over me) was even better.

friday night was amazing....AMAZING!!!!!!!!!! i won all the awards for the girl's team so office floozy must have felt like a right tosser seeing me go up to the mic every other minute to receive an award...mooha ha ha (evil laugh). capboy was the most lovely date any girl could ask for and he looked so hot i had a hard time controlling myself!!

a long time ago i wrote that CS had downgraded when he chose office floozy over me - my god, i didn't realise how much he had downgraded. i am not a bitch but even i couldn't help not gagging when i saw her...all my friends at the formal could not stop coming up to me and laughing about CS's girlfriend and to make it better, they could not stop going on about how hot capboy is. mmmm, i think if this was a competition i've won by about a million points.

CS is a coward. he did not introduce me to office floozy. when i was fully intoxicated and felt like i could take on the world i approached them and told him he was very rude for not introducing us. which he then promptly did. i was my sweet self, shook her had and said "its SO good to me you...finally" and i told her she looked nice and then i went off for a smoke. but the thing is, she is so nondescript and so plain that i have a hard time remembering what she looks like. granted i was very boozed but still her face eludes me but i remember thinking to myself at some point in the evening that "i am way hotter!". ha ha!

two days later CS arrives at my door to drop my book off. he then tells me he's pissed off with me and the SMS i sent him after he met capboy and ran out the door. he met capboy on the sunday before the formal - very impromptu but they met and i introduced them. CS then left and SMSed me saying he wasn't expecting to see that. so i SMSed him back saying i understand and i'm sorry i didn't get a chance to tell him about [capboy].

CS had the audacity to crap me out when meanwhile how did i find out about office floozy ??? i saw a picture of her in his bed while he had just slept with me in my bed. nice. he then waited for me to introduce myself to office floozy and he still tells me i'm in the wrong. what a pathetic, cowardly little fucker. i cannot believed how much time i wasted pining over him this ENTIRE year!!! fuck.

but speaking of capboy.... *sigh* he is wonderful. he is amazing. its going so well between us that i feel like i'm dreaming!! i honestly thought that i would never fall in love again after CS ripped my heart out and tore it to shreds but methinks i have and it. is. wonderful!!!

right then, now i must get back to my thesis. i will try right a bit more regularly but i can't promise it will be THAT regular until i finish exams in November...

*so happy right now*

updating

2006-10-02T09:44:00.000-07:00

so heres an update on my life:

5x7: i'm too scared to climb on the scale to see if i've lost those pesky 5 kgs but i can tell that if anything, i've maintained my usual weight which means trying to get into my dress for my formal on friday is gonna be very very amusing...lots of huffing and puffing and sucking my tummy in for the entire night!!!!!

capboy: its going very very very very very well so far! he is so lovely...it feels so natural and comfortable between us! he met by CS this weekend - its wasn't planned but we ran into him. CS nearly ran away from us and then SMSed me apologising for leaving so soon but it was because he wasn't expecting to see 'that'...his loss! but apart from that capboy and myself are going from strength to strength - never thought this would happen to me again but it has and i am so bloody excited and happy but also shit scared of getting hurt again but i suppose thats life??

thesis: i started writing my thesis this weekend......i finished the introduction and the first little section and i just emailed it to my supervisor now. i really really hope i don't have to do any major rewrites on any of my sections but i will just have to wait and see. i hope she is astounded by my literary geniusness!! haha!

so yes, thats really all thats going on with me at the moment but i'm damn happy about all of it....except for the 5X7 but i'll deal with that after my exams - i will hit the gym twice a day if need be!!

if you see a girl walking around with a big dorky grin on her face, its more than likely me because i am in a really happy place at the moment and it feels great!!!!

words are not enough

2006-09-25T08:35:00.000-07:00

so much for taking things slowly...i woke up on saturday morning next to my boyfriend, capboy. yes boyfriend. i panicked because i was not expecting this at all. i kept my cool though and it was very comfortable between us the whole day. on sunday i went to a mutual friend's braai and i chatted to capboy about taking things slowly because of how much i got hurt in my previous relationship with CS. he agreed - he said he wants things to go slowly because of how much he likes me....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he said he has liked me since the first time we met...

we're in a somewhat unconventional relationship - we barely know each other and have only met a couple of times...i mentioned this to him and he said that the reason he asked me "the whole boyfriend/girlfriend question" was because he didn't want to lose me and he knows a good thing when he sees one. one of my best friends has been dating his friend for about four years and she only has great things to say about him and all my friends who have met him think he is awesome!

i think he is awesome...

he's intelligent. he's got a good sense of humour. he's fun. he's gorgeous...and he seems really into me which, i think is the most important thing. i'm very happy right now and very excited!!! :)

just gonna take it slowly and enjoy the time i spend with him but as nerdy as this sounds: work will come first until the end of my exams...

hold thumbs for me!!

new boy...toy

2006-09-21T08:41:00.000-07:00

so...i've kinda met someone. nothing serious. nothing very serious at all. just someone who makes me laugh and sees me in what i think is a beautiful light.

we've contacted an average amount this week - we met two weeks ago and kissed last weekend - and he did ask a friend for my number seeing as i can be a bit blonde when it comes to that kind of stuff and forgot to give it to him.

i'm a bit nervous seeing as it wasn't that long ago that i was still getting over CS but i have come to this conclusion:
I am over CS but he is not over me and has not let me go and that is why when he sees me he continously tells me he loves me and misses me etc etc etc. that is why i get sucked backed into his vicious circle of 'are we, aren't we'...but no more. i will obviously see him because we run in the same social circles but i will NOT let him stuff me up for the umpteenth time!!!!!!!!!

anyways, i will take this very slowly with this new boy and not expect anything except fun, fun and then some more fun. i shall call him capboy seeing as whenever i have seen him he is undoubtedly wearing a cap...granted it was during the day at braais otherwise i would have to have words because i don't see the point in wearing hats at night but hey, that is just me and my lack of 'trend sense'!

i am hopefully seeing him this weekend and then i can see if i am really excited about him or just excited by the prospect of actually meeting someone...if you know what i mean?

wish me luck...i must behave this weekend!! haha!

whore-ny....

2006-09-18T09:42:00.000-07:00

i seem to be returning to my post-adolescent phase of rebellion...and its not good. not good at all.

every weekend, for the past month or so, i have gotten horribly drunk and either a) scored a friend/unknown male, b) scored two unknown individuals c) and i think this one is the worst: i slept with a friend...so yes, i hang my head in shame.

now i don't want all of you thinking that i am slut because really, i am not. this behaviour is worse than what i was like a few years back because at least then i had the excuse of mistaking love for sex but now, oh now i know that the two can only be interrelated if you're in a loving relationship (hmmm, maybe sleeping with a friend does count then) but i honestly don't know what is going on with me now and why my behaviour is getting out of hand...

maybe i am just extremely, extremely horny and need sex (no, a vibrator just does not do it for me) and i am finding it in a both safe and dangerous place - having sex with a friend is safe because you know them but its dangerous because it can ruin a friendship. so far, i have not seemed to have ruined a friendship but maybe i should just lock myself away for a while...???

so really, what i really want to know is how many men can a woman sleep with until she is deemed a slut? and i don't want any sexist or chauvinist remarks please....

just asking so that i can either tone down my numbers or pretend to be a virgin.

throwing name....

2006-09-11T09:31:00.000-07:00

i am a firm believer than in order to get back on the rails of life, one needs to go off the rails first
and that is what i seem to be doing....

take last weekend for example: it was me and about five guys (from my hockey club). we were all horrendously drunk and the boys were comparing chest muscles and whatnot - they then decided that it was only fair if i joined in the competition...topless. i may have objected the first couple of beggings but then gave in and proceeded to show these boys my chest. however, that was tame in comparison to what i did next (with their beggings and encouragements) - i took off my bra and allowed these men to ogle at my bare breasts. yes, my bare breats. five guys who i know very well and who know my ex even better.

it gets worse: my bra and top were back on but these boys found out about my recent classes in the art of lap-dancing. yes, i gave the one boy a lap dance and then threw my top off.

it gets worse: i then, later on with lots more booze in me, give another boy a lap dance (the shy, quiet one of the lot) and my chest must be about 5 inches away from his face and i whipped off my bra...i think his eyes nearly fell out of their sockets!!!!! it was hilarious!

now take saturday night into consideration of my going off the rails: my friend (girl) who i ahve kissed many times before came up to me and asked if she could kiss me again - granted we could both barely say our names correctly at this point in the evening - because she has been wanting to do so for such a long time...so we kissed in the bathroom and then she drops the bombshell: do i want to have a threesome with her and her boyfriend??????!!!!!!

her boyfriend was keen as hell when she asked him in front of me - of course he would be, who wouldn't? but honestly, i wouldn't go there with one of my best friends as who knows how nasty it could actually turn out...i gracefully declined by going home. alone. to an empty bed with delusions of grandeur of a night that was so full of promises. *sigh*

so yes, that is what i have been up to a part from writing a 24 page essay and trying to get started on my 50 page thesis which is due for the END OF OCTOBER - not the end of november which i though! fuck!

so on that note, best i get back to my research....

"go on now go, walk out the door..."

2006-08-30T11:52:00.000-07:00

my life is really not going as planned....but hey, when does it? for now, i need to let go of CS and just get on with my life. i don't want him out of my life, but i think for the sake of my sanity and my emotional well-being then its the only way forward.

its been a bad and sad day for me. i cried, a good solid gut wrenching sobbing kind of cry, today for about two hours. i cried about my life. i cried about CS. i cried about everything. i questioned the Universe. i questioned its motives. i questioned my place on earth. i questioned my friends - or those i have left who have not been sucked into coupledom. yes, i am now physically and mentally exhausted.

i know these things, and other shitty stuff, are put on earth to test one's inner strength and courage and i can tell you - after last year with my brother and this year with CS i have the inner strength and courage of fucking superwoman! i know i can get through this shit with CS but sometimes i find myself asking if i really want to get through it. sometimes i just want to give up and fuck off. i know that this is not the right attitude but at this point, i am so resigned to and gatvol of my situation that the idea of running away from EVERYTHING seems postively amazing...

but tomorrow will be a better day. next week will be a better week. next month will be a better month....and you know what: next year will damn right be a much better fucking year.

* i must apologize for all my swearing but it really has been a bad week, and a very bad year*

naughty naughty girl...

2006-08-27T08:15:00.000-07:00

i was a very bad girl this weekend....very bad indeed. you all remember CS - my ex who i wrote the letter to and whatnot? well, i hadn't seen him or spoken to him in over a month and felt like i was finally getting over him...ha da ha ha!

i saw him on saturday and all my emotions and feelings regarding him came flying back to hit me smack bang in the middle of the face. we decided to meet up for drinks. we were to start at my place because i had left over wine that needed to be finished quickly before it became a living entity...we never left my place. we ended up getting horribly boozed and really just let our hair loose - we danced and danced and danced and then danced some more. it was so much fun. my digsmate came home (and he knows all about my saga with CS) and he had this look of utter shock on his face when he saw the two of us dancing...it was all rather amusing.

we spoke about his office floozy, who i must admit i feel sorry for, because he really is just using her because guess what: he misses me like crazy, still loves me and is still inlove with me very much but is still too scared to take the leap - hence my nickname for him on this blog is chickenshit. another reason why i feel sorry for the floozy is because CS and i ended up kissing. a lot. and then some. but we didn't sleep together - i fell asleep while we were chatting on my bed.

so i really was a naughty girl this weekend - i scored my ex-boyfriend and i fell asleep before getting a WHOLE lot of some 'n some. dammit! but i'm glad i didn't sleep with him because i think i would have felt very shit this morning...

but now what do i do? i can't keep asking him to give us a second chance because that would just get annoying for him and probably drive him away. i don't want to send him out of my life again because i do miss him....so tell me, what do i do?

you have got to be kidding me

2006-08-20T07:32:00.000-07:00

i never made it to america thanks to those 'freedom fighters' or terrorists (depending on your perspective). thats right. i was stuck in england with my dad and my brothers....doing NOTHING but eating clotted cream and scones *drool*. oh, i managed to do a little bit of shopping after having spending at least two hours convincing my dad it was necessary! fucking terrorists.

but anyways, i got home safely and thats all that matters. however, now its back to reality and varsity - joy.

i'm leaving on a jet plane...

2006-08-08T08:51:00.000-07:00

the time has come for me to go on my little holiday to the states...i know that i am not the most 'pro-america' but they do make nice clothes and they have ONE decent beer which is called Coors. so in other words, for the next 2 weeks or so i shall be shopping and drinking Coors beer....i could think of worse things to do with my time.

alas, this is not all fun because i still have to take my research with me so that i don't fall too far behind in my thesis...so if you're catching a plane tomorrow night and you see some nerd in the airport engrossed in a book about ethnicity then you'll know who i am!

i hope everyone had a fantastic womens' day (for the history of it go check out champ's comments on her latest post) and i shall be back SOON!

mwah!
xxxx

so cold.....teeth are chattering

2006-08-03T05:23:00.000-07:00

i thought a little update on the 5X7 would be in order...

i don't know what if its just me but when its this cold all i can think about is eating, eating, drinking WHITE hot chocolate, eating, oh and eating some more!!!!! so needless to say, i think i've packed on the kilos instead of dropping them off because this weather also makes me feel VERY lethargic.

i'm hoping it will clear up by next week (not that it really matters because i'm going overseas on wednesday for a week to a very warm climate) but here is the promise i am making:

when i get home on the 19th of August i WILL lose the intended weight because i HAVE to fit into a size 32 dress by the beginning of October...no more 'ifs' and 'buts'!!!

if anyone has any good ideas on exercise, eating and whatnot it will be appreciated even though i know where my weakness is: alcohol, chocolate, chai tea and the fact that i don't make time to go to gym - i blame it on my hectic honours schedule!!!

crushing...badly

2006-08-01T11:41:00.000-07:00

so remember when i told you i had a crush on my friend DC...well i can't decide if its getting better or worse. the thing is i saw him on friday night and ended up following him home and going back to his house (we were both ever so slightly drunk and he didn't want me driving home alone)...so we're talking in his bedroom and i started getting cold so i asked him if it was alright if i put my feet under his covers....

so i was sitting there and then he lay down next to me and we started chatting and i asked him if i had been flirting with him during the night - and yes, i had been. oh tsk tsk tsk! he then told me that he is very attracted to me and thinks i am the perfect type of girl because of all my qualities...go me!!!! it turns out that he told my other friend that he 'would love to be with me' but is scared of ruining the friendship we have.

ended up falling asleep in his bed and woke up to find our bodies meshed up right close and practically spooning...nothing happened between us because we both agreed that it would make things awkward but where does this leave me?

he still flirts with me whenever i see him so tell me, what do i do?????

pimping

2006-07-31T04:20:00.000-07:00

yes...i have a pimp. this pimp is in the form of a good friend of mine who likes to market to any single male friend or male stranger she meets. i'm not complaining because it just means i have to do less work but do get more ass. its awesome.

yesterday, while attempting to do some research she phones me to tell me she has found a guy of epic hotness and that i have got to come and meet him. so i hurry off to the bar. me and her have different tastes. don't get me wrong, he was cute but not someone i would usually focus all my attention on...he had teeth like bugs bunny!!!!!!!!!! once i got past the teeth (through copiuos amounts of whiskey) he was sweet but once again an ABSOLUTE player. ended up scoring him and he gave me a hickey! a hickey?!!!!! i have not had a hickey since i was what, oh i don't know, 15...and today i had to teach a bunch of first years some history and yes, they kept eyeing out the big red mark on my neck which i unsuccessfully tried to hide through the "stategic" use of cover-up.

but this weekend has been one of massive, epic proportions - i saw life past me by in an alcoholic haze....i think i was drunk more than i was sober this weekend but i did get some more nookie on friday and saturday (the same guy - sweet, but ya, won't be going back anytime soon). i think i shall be having a permanent hangover this week as punishment for being so drunk and disorderly this weekend!!!

i am starting to worry about my drinking habits though - got alcoholism on both sides of my family so best i start watching what passes through my mouth. i think i must also calm down on all these men i'm going through - but its so much fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes, i will hand over my life savings...

2006-07-26T07:53:00.000-07:00

i am not a typical woman in the fact that i don't like shopping. in fact, when all my friends want to go shopping i generally find a coffee shop where i can smoke and tell them to come find me there. however, it has come to my attention that i do in fact do a lot of shopping but very spontaneously and very sporadically, and generally for things that i don't need...

take today for example: i was going grocery shopping (always 'fun') and realised that i needed lip ice so i thought that i would visit the Body Shop because they were having a sale. uh oh. big mistake. i now put Clicks and the Body Shop on my list of dangerous places to visit because of the obscene amount of money i spend there. i did buy some lip gloss but wait for it - i then go and buy a hair mask (to look after my newly blonde locks) and then some hand cream (which i didn't need because i already have some)...it all came to R160!!!! i could have spent that money on buying something i really needed or buying more food - except i don't want to buy too much food seeing as i am still trying to champs and my 5x7.

so i realised that i should not take detours when i'm on my way to Pick 'n Pay or Woolies and that i should head straight there and straight home again. no more going to Clicks or the body shop unless i really really really really really need something. this would be a good idea in theory, but in practice its not gonna work seeing as i have to buy a birthday present tomorrow and will probably end up at one of those dangerous places and see something that i too want and will probably end up buying something silly....oh goodness. maybe i am more of a typical woman than i like to believe.

as you can probably tell, not much exciting is happening in my life except seeing as i am a 14 year girl when it comes to boys at the moment - i have two crushes developing. one with a guy i work: he knows who i am and he flirts with me and he is so steamy!!! how do i progress??? the other guy i don't think knows i exist but he works in one of the shops in my local shopping centre, but its one of those shops that you need to have a reason to go in to (develops photos) so once again i must ask:
how do i progress with both of these men????????????????

this is not a drill, i repeat this is not a drill....

2006-07-23T08:30:00.000-07:00

its happened. badly. i have turned into a fourteen year old girl - well, my libido has seeing as i get whiplash ANY male walks past me. i am so horny its actually making my uber aggressive!!! seriously. i snap at people. i think bad thoughts - if i think dirty thoughts i have to go spend some alone time with me and warren (bunny ears - name of a bunny hovel is?)....and that just makes me feel worse. you can't replace the real thing with a plastic imitation that has two ears!!!! plastic does just not do it for me. everytime i use him (and its been a lot - i have to get new batteries in fact) i just get hornier as i yearn for the real thing...fuck.

when i see any male i start to pant with desire - and he doesn't even have to be hot, he just needs to have a penis because that is all i want at the moment and i think its all i need. i'm so horny i have to be careful when i walk past pointy objects in case i start to rub against them inappropriatly. its shocking. i can't even watch mild love scenes on TV because i start to get even hornier and then i get angry at the world. why can't i have one penis available for me to use at whim, whenever the urge takes me AND ITS TAKEN ME EVERY DAY, EVERY MINUTE!!!

so really, all i'm asking is for a penis - i'm only asking for one, i'm not being greedy. this penis does not have to have a relationship with me....it just needs to be at my beck and call until this horniness has been dealt with (which may be a very long time). it just needs to be at attention at all times so that i may pleasure myself (and of course the penis as well, i'm not selfish) all the time.....actually - i just want penis on tap!

*sigh*

My Perfect Man

2006-07-18T11:38:00.000-07:00

i always thought CS was the perfect man for me. i really did. he was everything that, i suppose at that time in my life, i really needed. you see, last year was a shitty year for me (this year hasn't been that great for me either) and CS came into my life for a reason and that reason was to give me strength to carry on. last year i moved out and into a place on my own - moving is always stressful. last year my brother was in rehab for booze and coke addiction (or should i say in and out fo rehab) - and ran away for a few days and i thought that he was dead. i was near suicide myself because of him.

so i think that CS was my pillar of strength and he was needed to get me through that part of my life and (now don't think i'm loony here) i think the universe or some other power felt that i was strong enough to be on my own and that is why we broke up. i should have realised that when we broke up the first time but i guess i was being stubborn.

so that gets me onto this question: if CS was not the perfect man for me then who is? CS was everything i had dreamed of and more but perhaps he was only perfect for me in that time of my life?

i want the next man in my life to be stronger than CS is (i have a very strong personality and a slight aggressive side). i want him to be like CS in the way that he was able to make me feel comfortable in my own skin (i am a shy kinda gal). i want him to be funny and yet be serious. i want him to be able to act stupid but be able to hold a serious/intellectual conversation. i want him to take me seriously but at the same time realise that i am rather quirky and like to make a fool of myself when the moment grabs me. i want him to be spontaneous but also open to set plans. i want him to have similar tendencies to CS in the way that he wouldn't take himself too seriously and is able to let loose and have a good heartly laugh at something stupid. i want him to be brave not a coward like chickenshit (CS)!!!!!!

am i asking too much? am i setting the next man in my life (whoever he may be) an impossible task because a lot of the things i described in the above section are very similar traits to those of CS. i think CS was perhaps a good framework to work with but hopefully the next man will exceed my expectations. one can only hope...and fantasise...a lot! i won't close the door to any opportunities because you never know who might be knocking on my door one day.

as the cliche goes: there are many fish in the sea...and i am the goddamn fisher(wo)man!!!

p.s. only a few more hours til i am a blonde bombshell!!!! exciting shit!

and it starts...

2006-07-17T02:24:00.000-07:00

today is the first day back at varsity, however, seeing as i only have one day a week of classes i only start tomorrow. but seeing as i am a tutor i'll be going in three times a week from next week onwards and seeing as i am writing a thesis (why did i choose this option??????) i have to be disciplined for the rest of the year and actually do some work.

as for my thesis....aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh! there is no information on my topic and that information i do find has about one lines worth of info i could use. so i am going to be speaking to my supervisor about changing my topic somewhat because this is ridiculous.

my weekend was fun, but no fun with men...my liver might disagree with my idea of fun as it is feeling very tender today but this too shall pass. i met some portuguese guy but not really excited about him because he is past being a smoothie - he could almost be classified as slimy. but all i really want right now is for lots of men to tell me how beautiful i am.

i am developing a slight crush on a friend of mine, DC, which i think is not a good thing because if it wasn't too work out then i would lose a good friend. and its hard to flirt with him because he knows me so well so any flirting that is done has do be VERY VERY subtle!

i've decided that its also time for a drastic change to my appearance - to signify the new 'i'm finally getting over CS' me. i am a brunette but i've decided to head over to the world of the blondes. i'm nervous because i have not had such a drastic hair colour change since i went to the states to study some 5 years ago. oh well, if it doesn't look good i can always go back to being a brunette but i would be bleak by how much money i would have spent on my blonde locks.

anyways, i'm off to gym - it is needed seeing as i had TWO pies on the way home from Manhatten on friday night/saturday morning! aaarrghhhh!!!! so much for 5x7! i guess its a new week so i will start champs' and my regime all over again!

so clean and fresh tra la la

2006-07-13T02:32:00.000-07:00

got all my results back and i am 100% disease free!!! so one day should i ever meet prince charming at least i'll be starting on a clean slate...

onto other news: i think i am finally getting over CS but slowly, oh so slowly but steadily. the reason i say this is not because i don't still think about him (i do) and not because i don't love him (i do but its not a holding back kind of love anymore, now its more of a 'he was my first love and for that i probably will always love him) its because i am actually starting to feel excited about the thought of starting a new relationship with some lucky guy.

you see, while me and CS were doing our on/off relationship the mere thought of seeing someone else and even sleeping with another guy made me sick to my stomach but recently these thoughts have beeen cropping into my head and i start to feel butterflies at the mere thought of meeting some great guy and the excitement that one feels during these moments.

so that is why i think i am starting to get over him. its been gradual and a long time coming but it had to happen even though i didn't want to get over him. ever. i truly believe i am starting to get over him just because i can see myself dating someone else one day and sharing my ever so slightly kinky ways with him!

so go me!

p.s. i might be seeing CS tonight because we play sport together but you know what, i can handle it...i can handle ANYTHING after going to gym every day this week and going to striptease classes last night (we did the librarian moves - funny stuff). i just hope this positive attitude i have discovered stays with me for a very long time!!!!!!!

a sorry sight...

2006-07-10T11:57:00.000-07:00

wearing my very unique dressing gown, drinking red wine and eating a healthy snack (peanuts covered in yoghurt) on the couch while watching grey's anatomy is what was called by my digsmate 'a sorry sight'...*sigh* perhaps i am a bit of a sorry sight.

had a somewhat bad day...i've been doing pretty well with this whole no contact between CS and me but today i went to gym and i wore a T-shirt of mine that he sometimes wore to work when he slet over and forgot to pack a bag. this T-shirt was huge for me, collared and somewhat decent so he was able to pull it off. so anyways, back to this afternoon - of course i still think of him and what we had but i was doing well. i managed to cut those thoughts off quickly and somehow distracted myself.

alas today, it was different. i went to gym (yes, go me!) and i wore this T-shirt that he had obviously worn and washed it for me and i had unknowingly put it back into my closet still smelling of him, his deodarent, his smell and his washing powder. so there i sat during the gym class smelling him, remembering him, wishing for his smell to become part of my life again. i even caught myself sneaking smells off during a breather or two - i must have looked rather dodgy smelling my tummy and whatnot. truth be told - it sucked smelling him again. it hurt really really badly. it made me miss him again. it made me what to pick up the phone and call him. it made me feel like shit. utter shit.

aaaaarrgghhhh!!!!!!!!!! i fucking hate men and what they can do to women!!! ok, fine. i won't generalise - i hate CS right now and what he has done to me (when i am drinking heavily i sneak into the bathroom to have a bit of tizz. when i smell his smell i just want him back in my life no matter how much he fucked me over). aarrgghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ITS BEEN A BAD BAD DAY...

but i suppose this has been the first extreme bad day since we had the talk almost three days ago. i'll probably see him on thursday at practice - i will just act cool. i'm having lunch with one of my scores on thursday - hmmm, should be interesting to say the least. i am getting my blood test results (yes, the big HIV and then some...i am being responsible and taking charge of my life no matter what) on wednesday and i am postively SHITTING myself - i don't think i have anything to worry about but then your mind starts to think too much. i got these tests done on friday so its been a LOOOOOONG wait.

so really, all in all, i suppose my digsmate was correct when he called me a sorry sight.....

boozing, dancing and scoring....

2006-07-09T08:20:00.000-07:00

what a weekend! i am still trying to recover from my hangover which means i kinda lost the plot in terms of operation 5x7! for breakfast this morning i had a pie, yoghurt and yogi sip and then for lunch i had lots of biltong and a massive biscuit from seattle coffee....needless to say i feel rather bloated and tender! oh well - i will start fresh tomorrow again.

on friday night i went to this larny invitation only party and ended up being quite the lurker as in i left all my friends on the one dance floor and i went to the hip-hop dancefloor where i was the only white face - was an absolute razzle!!! i joined a group of black girls (never met them before) and i danced with them for about 2 hours - they even said that they have never seen a white girl dance the way i do! yay for me!! ha ha! i left at about 1:30am when all my other friends had left the club and a nigerian started stalking me....i felt the time had come to go home.

then last night i went to a braai where i got absolutely finished and ended up scoring 2 guys - this is not my usual thing but i'm a sucker for compliments and the second guy was dishing them out big time and apparently i find it hard to say 'no' to these little lies.

a man-eater i am becoming...

think brain, think!!

2006-07-07T01:51:00.000-07:00

i was going to write about the violation i experienced this morning but alas, my brain has been asked to perform the unthinkable - come up with as many words beginning with 'T' thanks to being tagged by Champers!

table - something that has four legs and a flat surface and is known to be a decent place to have sex on top of, especially when its cluttered and you sweep everything off in one quick movement.

teasing - something i plan on doing a LOT of tonight while i flirt with many many men! otherwise known as 'hard - to - get' but i am not a cock-tease! promise!

tabby - the name of my tabby cat (yes, original, i know!)

tiger - an absolutely beautiful creature. an something i will become tonight while i drink away and its part of one of my more favourite phrases: "whoa slow down there tiger!"

thinking - something i'm trying really hard to do right about now.

taboo - something that is thought of an wrong or is restricted. personally, i think anal sex should be taboo (really really bad experience with an absolute asshole! ha ha - scuze the pun)

tart - slut, prossie or a yummy type of food...

tag - what has been done to me

Thai girls - they have been known to have an extra muscle that can prove dangerous for the men in the front rows of their shows

tassles - these little pearlers tend to pop up at all times: think those nipple-caps with the tassles...or the good 'ol southerners (american) and their suede cowboy jackets with the tassles.

tea - my favourite drink....next to beer, whisky and any other shooters on the menu

tattoo - i have three of these permanent ink marks on the body

temporary - something my tatttoos aint

testicles - balls, gonads (i know they have other names but for the life of me i cannot remember). i know a few tricks that involve these little guys that have made men bow down to me! ha ha!

thong - otherwise known as a g-string or floss. they come in all kinds of variety, styles and colours. was it not invented by the Brazilians or am i thinking of the brazilian wax?

thick - mmmmmmmm. (has anyone else noticed where my mind is at the moment? yes, its been a while since i got any so please bear with me!)

tight - oh the possibilities!!! tight ass, tight fit, tight jeans...

tangled - think of a bed and too many sheets

throat - tee hee! i'm not gonna type it (because then it will show just how badly i am rutting at the moment) but you all know what 4 letter word could go before the word throat.

throb - i truly think that the letter 'T' is rather a dirty one or maybe its just my mind?

truth - something i have not heard a lot of lately.

thundercats - who remembers this cartoon? cheetara? i LOVED it!

tenacious D - a band with jack black in it. have you ever heard their song that goes like this: 'i'm gonna fuck you softly'. tis hilarious!

tit - not my most favourite word. i prefer good 'ol fashioned boobs

toilet - i spend a lot of time here. i think i either have a very weak bladder or i drink too much

tizz - as in 'i'm in a tizz' (confused, frantic etc) or as in 'i had a bit of a tizz' meaning crying.

tiara - always fun to wear except mine got stolen last year

transvaal - was formally established in 1852 - some history for everyone. but now we all live in gauteng.

tremble - something i do when i'm excited...well, sometimes anyways.

tush - as in bottom, as in according to the small town men - mine is the best they have ever seen (yes, they don't get out much!)

TEQUILA - no salt, no lemon....yes, i am hardcore! ha ha!

(in)toxiated - something i will be tonight after the tequila!

i think i have outdone myself and my brain! whew - i must go have a nap now to rest my aching head! hopefully on monday i shall have tales (oo, another T) of me being tangled in bed with a hottie...oh, the thought!

truly single...

2006-07-06T05:40:00.000-07:00

another one bites the dust...yes, my last single friend is no longer single. when i got her SMS i started crying in the middle of woolies over how much my life sucks and how unfair it is...selfish i know, but i couldn't help it. not now.

this scares me because all of my other friends don't go out anymore, they would rather spend every night cuddling on the couch. uh uh. what if she becomes one of them. i used to razzle it up with her but now what if...? fuck.

i don't mind being single, i don't want to be in a relationship for the sake of being one (we all know i want to be with CS but life is never fair to the worthy if you ask me) and i love my friends dearly, they are my urban family, but honestly, why can't just ONE of them still be single??? what am i gonna do on the weekends? who am i gonna razzle with? fuck. this sucks. balls.

...yes, i am truly single and already lonely and she's only been with this guy for a few days. just for shits and giggles, i'm gonna say 'fuck' just one more time just to get my mood across: fuck!

Operation Extreme

2006-07-05T06:30:00.000-07:00

a few of you will know that Champers (http://champsheathen.blogspot.com/) and i are planning to lose weight by the end of september...one of my biggest reasons is so that CS will regret every thing he has ever done to me when i walk through the door at our formal in September and he will turn and look at his office floozy and wish he had left her behind or in the car...moooha ha (thats my attempt at an evil laugh)!

now don't think i am doing this just for him. trust me. i'm not. you know when you just don't feel comfy in your skin anymore? thats how i'm feeling. i know i'm not fat but i do know that i could afford to lose those five kilos that i piled on in the beginning on the year and they have been way too stubborn seeing as they have not yet left me.

i won't be starving myself but i will be exercising myself to near exhaustion - its the only way i know how. i am an extreme person - either its no exercise or too much. i have always battled to find the medium but i suppose i must try this time.
i won't be one of those party-poopers who gives up drinking (done that before and i was miserable) because wine is my best friend while i'm in the bath or having dinner.

the time has come the walrus (alice in wonderland? anyone? no?) said and he says the time has come for Champers and i to reclaim our titles as slim and svelte hotties (not that we ever resigned of course!!!)

epiphany

2006-07-04T23:21:00.000-07:00

last nighy i was doing my utmost best not to do any work - i am still battling to get back into varsity mode since i had two weeks of doing NOTHING while getting TLC from my mum.

so instead of reading through my research i decided to read through my old journals - we're talking about my diaries that are 10 years old. the early ones are very cute - all about the crushes i had (damn, there were a lot and i am so proud of myself because i ended up scoring or dating each one somewhere along the line! go me!). the more recent ones (yes, i keep a written journal and have ever since i was twelve years old) are actually quite sad but they did make me have an epiphany....!

when i was 20 years old i fell for this guy (i like the name Lucifer) who i thought felt the same way about me...to cut a long story short he could have phoned me at midnight asking me to come over and i would have - this went on for about 7 months. i was still naive enough to think sex equated love. tsk tsk. i sure learnt my lesson after him. but once i got over him (it took me long enough) and i got over the insecurities that developed because of the way he treated me i SWORE never to let myself get used by another male.

and what the fuck....? i may have denied it but i can tell you this: what i wrote in my previous journal about Lucifer is pretty much what i have been writing about CS. yes, CS did and perhaps still does love me but he fucking used me. i have told him this but it only seemed to have registered with me last night and it hurt. it hurt a lot.

but you know what - i'll get over CS, i know i will and you know what makes me feel better in very bitchy way: his office floozy (the one who he's been sleeping with and whatnot) is a downgrade from me. don't get me wrong, she's attractive but i am more intelligent, more sporty and much more attractive. i'll give her the fact that her figure is probably better than mine.
but i don't hate her. i feel sorry for her because from what i hear, CS is acting like a shit towards her too.

all i have to say is way to go me, i'm angry, hurt and woe betide CS: hell hath no fury like a women scorned....

male envy

2006-07-03T12:05:00.000-07:00

there are a couple of things that i envy about men (penises NOT being one of them) but there is one in particular that will always frustrate me - that one thing is the bane of a woman's existence, namely WEIGHT...yes, the dreaded 'W' word.

men can eat what they want, when they want and their food does not go anywhere on their hips, ass or thighs but rather straight to the sewerage department. if i even smell a yummy pepper steak pie my thighs and hips seem to think its reason to spread outwards and perhaps develop a few new dimples just for shits and giggles. why is this? yes, i know men generally have faster metabolisms that women but they don't really need such a thing nearly as much as women do.

REASONS WHY WOMEN NEED THE FASTER METABOLISM:
1. women wear tighter and more revealing clothes than men therefore when we eat too much its generally noticeable in our bloated tummies. AND if we wear clothes to hide our wobbly bits men don't seem to even notice our existence. (perhaps i am being harsh here but if you have read my previous posts regarding CS then you will realise that i am in an angry/depressed/woe as me place!)
2. men think they're sexy even if they've got a beer boep - women (me in particular perhaps) freak out at the slightest dimple or wobbly bit...
3. men are so more judgemental of a woman's appearance (think fashion TV, think models, think cheerleaders, think ANY movie where the actress makes a matchstick look fat), therefore she feels she has to be permanently skinny which in turn means she feels she needs a faster metabolism.

its unfair that men place such a high value on uber skinny women, whatever happened to the good old marilyn monroe figure - you know, the fuller figured, volumptous (spelling?) woman? i want that to become a fad again.

if you have managed to read this far into my bitching session, perhaps you've noticed that i'm having a slight fixation on my weight. for good reason though. i have picked up four, FOUR, kilograms since the beginning of this year - i feel so frumpy and unattractive. and its really not that i eat unhealthily, its because i have not had time to go to gym so far this year thanks to my honours course and my shitty gym contract but oh, that is about to change - its called PRIORITISING.

i NEED to lose some weight by September/beginning October. its not a matter of choice anymore. its something i HAVE to do.

i am going to gym tomorrow (tuesday) and i am starting my striptease classes the following week (i may even increase my daily amount of cigarettes as a substitute for food).

being the lady i am (me, really, no?!) i shall not divulge my weight but let me tell you this: i want to lose five kilograms by September - i shall be doing a shitload of exercise: gym, striptease classes and i will be eating even more healthily than i already do!

oh, its on....

small town men

2006-07-02T23:24:00.000-07:00

oh, you have got to love men who live in a small, very small town. they are truly unique in their outlook on women and how they should be treated.

as previously mentioned i was on a mission to get boozed - it just so happened while i was still staying with my mum. my cousin and i head off to probably one of the only bars in the area where i proceed to smash shot after shot in my face (and 'win' best bum the bartender had ever seen award which won me countless free drinks!mmm!) so by the time i eye out S i think he is a lot hotter than when i saw him working in the butchery (no laughing please! haha!). i ended up scoring S way too many times for my liking and end up giving him by phone number - why did i do it???????????

the next day, i get no less than 3 phonecalls and 8 SMSes. goodness me.

the following day is my last night with my mum so me, her, my cousin and my aunt all go out for dinner. i get an SMS from S begging me to come to the other only bar in town for a goodbye drink. i grimace. i don't want to but because my mum has now retired just outside this small town i go - to keep the peace per se, however, i am in for a shock....

he though we were boyfriend and girlfriend - just after kissing!!!! what would have happened if we had slept together - probably be married by now. hell no. he told me not to smoke or drink or shake my 'oh so fine ass' when i dance - not a chance, i'm a woman who likes to do all 3 very very very much. needless to say i quickly told him exactly what i saw him as (a quick kiss) and that i was in no position to be dating and i'm sorry for leading you on. this is when it turned nasty...

he got so mean and hurtful towards me in front of everyone in the bar - not what i neeeded. then for the cherry on top of his shittyness - there was this other drunk who spilled his entire drink into my lap so i yell 'jesus' and who should raise their hand as if to slap my face - none other than S. ooooo, i was SO angry already and that just made me more so and doubly aggressive - i had to go home otherwise i probably would have done something i regretted and would now be in jail! haha!

anyways, he then phones me when i get home (does he EVER give up you may be asking, no) and proceeds to tell me that he has loved me since he first saw me enter the butchery with my mum - that was FOUR days ago. what do you mean....?

yup, i do find myself in a slightly sticky position yet again. S has SMSed me every day since i got home to JHB - what do i do? do i ignore his SMSes in hope they stop or do i reply in a VERY neutral way so as not to make my next trip to my mum an awkward one when i go to the butchery with my mum - which i may never actually do ever again!

NO

2006-06-28T01:33:00.000-07:00

yup, he said no. i haven't got the time to go into the details of the night because my mum wants to use her computer now but lets just say that there was lots of crying on both sides and lots of 'i don't want to go but i really should and i love you so much' on both sides. so really, once again, it wasn't the clean break i wanted but he said no and so now i know and i WILL move on...

i have not spoken to him or heard from him in a few days which is good. i must keep it up.

i'll be back in joburg on friday and i plan on having a fair amount of boozing sessions - however, i refuse to cry while drunk so if you should see a deliriously happy drunk in the next couple of days it will most probably be me!

hometime

2006-06-15T09:13:00.000-07:00

in just four, FOUR, days i will finished all my silly exams and getting some much needed TLC with my mum...yay! i will be spoilt beyond belief seeing as she doesn't get to see me that much as she lives 3 hours away and that means when she does see me she wants to make sure her 'little girl' is getting lots of love and attention. cannot wait to be out of Joburg and not having to study!

i don't think i will be getting the letter from CS tomorrow as i think he is still overseas...i guess i will have to wait until i get back next weekend and hope that he is in town so that we can finally come to some kind of closure or beginning. once i'm out of joburg i think my patience will be better because i hopefully won't be thinking about him that much and hopefully he'll be thinking about me lots (with all the oh so hot farmer boys! haha!)

he's phoned me pretty much every day this week (sometimes twice a day) but MUST NOT READ INTO IT! maybe he does miss me but that does not mean he wants to get back together with me. men? they say women are confusing - hah! i think men are MUCH more confusing - if they love you then why won't they take the plunge to be with you....

i think thats one of life's little unanswered questions.

shake it baby

2006-06-14T06:22:00.000-07:00

music is great. awesome. can be such a healer for lack of a better word. however, i am a person of very VERY diverse music taste - as in i really like metallica but at the same time i am known to know a few britney spears songs off my heart. she's fun to shake your ass to, and mock i suppose! but on the whole, i suppose if i had to listen to one music type for the rest of my life, i would choose alternative music.

so anyways, i bought the Kelly Clarkson CD and an old metallica CD so i could feel oh so hardcore after buying such a girly CD. and i must say, i am impressed because she's not SO girly and her songs are pretty good.

i think she stole my life and wrote some songs about it because so many of her songs (regarding men) were about EXACTLY what i've been going through with CS. so needless to say, if you were driving next to a peugeot with an egg stain (see previous blogs) on the window today you probably saw me dancing and singing wildly and probably thought i was somewhat of a lunatic! ha ha!

all i can say: cars are great things. they are like your own private dancing room except you do have a lot less room to do the 'beyonce' (which i am proud to say that after living with a nigerian and zambian girl for a couple of months, the 'beyonce' is a prime part of my dance repertoire - yes, i shake it good and hard!)

speaking of ass shaking....my friend and i are starting striptease lessons in july. should be fun. i'm hoping that by then either CS would have come to his senses or otherwise i have a new man to shake my ass with...oh the possibilities!

and still i wait....

2006-06-12T06:09:00.000-07:00

i saw CS last night. we went out for dinner. it was really nice. we acted like we were together again - confusing yes.

we spoke about my letter and how he still loves me 'very very much' and how its his head thats confusing him. why he cant't just go with his heart for once i don't know. i told him thats its been nine months since we broke up and he really should have an answer by now. he then begged, BEGGED, me to let him write me a letter - putting all his feelings down on paper.

now, this is the part where i start to read into things:

1. i told him if its gonna be a no i would rather him just tell me now instead of writing a letter - he still wanted to write the letter.

2. before he left i told him that i'm so scared for friday incase its a no. he told me not to be scared.

now tell me, do these two things give me hope? yes, very much so. should they give me hope? probably not. i should really just wait until i read his letter to know whats going on.

but tell me - i am known for reading into things when there is nothing to read into (he even told me not to read into too much that we spoke about - does he mean those two things i mentioned?) - am i reading into these things....?

tick tock

2006-06-08T23:03:00.000-07:00

i gave CS the letter last night....he acted surprised because as a male he is never sure what goes on around him if you know what i mean?

so now i wait...........................

onto other news: what i thought was sinusitus (yes, the day before my exam) has now seemed to have turned into a delightful phlemmy (sorry, its gross and my spelling is wrong) cough which hurts like hell. so i try not to cough in case a lung or evenmy throat pops out to say hi! it just sucks seeing as i have to study today and i feel like poo. oh, and being the paranoid person i can be - it hurts for me to bend my neck, so i'm like 'menigitus!'....oh goodness, its gonna be a loooooong day and even longer weekend if i don't hear from CS.

and even more news: a bird gave birth on my car yesterday after my exam (which went as well as an exam can go). i know have a egg white and yolk stain down my window...its b-e-a-utiful.
my theory is this: there are a little cat paw prints (so cute) on the roof of my car. i think a cat ws climbing on my car to get to the bird in the tree and this obviously scared the bejeebers out of the bird which subsequently popped an egg out in mid-panic.

my friend thinks a cat threw (yes, threw) the egg onto my car - how? the visual image does give me the giggles...

i'm still waiting......

doing it

2006-06-06T01:16:00.000-07:00

thanks for the advice everyone....i've decided that i'm gonna give them letter to chickenshit when i see him on thursday - we play the same sport and the same club so i should see him and then i will give him the letter.

this is my way of telling him where i stand and from his answer then at least i'll know where i stand with him and where 'we' stand together.

i'm expecting the worst because life is never kind to the kind people but as i've said before, at least then i can get on with my life and i start fresh and just, well, just move on. it does make me feel sad but at least i know that its for the best either way.

(i don't really want him to say no because i still love him and we still get on so well)

proactive

2006-06-04T09:07:00.000-07:00

yes! i am being proactive. my digsmate could see that i was feeling low after i saw chickenshit last night for dinner. he told me to lay my feelings out for chickenshit and tell him he needs to give me a definite yes or no and if its no then we need to stop communicating with each other.

i've written chickenshit a letter. i will give him this letter when he goes overseas for work next. not sure when that will be but i think i should give him this letter sooner rather than later. maybe i shouldn't even wait for him to go overseas, maybe i should just give it to him when i see him next and tell him to read it when he gets home?

i'm expecting chickenshit to say no because from his name 'chickenshit' you can tell that he's a coward. but even if he says no then at least i'll know where i stand and can finally move on.

right. now i must study for my exam this thursday! ugh!

confuzzed...yet again

2006-06-02T05:57:00.000-07:00

i was speaking to my digsmate last night before he went out and told him to tell chickenshit, if he should ask why i was not there, that i had gone out for dinner and not say who with. now that is not necessarily a lie because i did go out for dinner but the omission part was that it was with my mum who was up in the joburg for the day. i have to ask myself why i should even care what chickenshit thinks (i was hoping to make him panic) but in reality i do care. i want him to think he's losing me....and for a few days i thought he was because i was getting so interested in thw alabama man (but that too seems to have faded as i have not heard from him in a while and the last time we contacted it was wierd).

my plan seemed to have worked though because chickenshit phoned me at about 8:30 last night which i didn't hear because my phone was on silent. but i phoned him back and we ended up talking for about an hour. it was nice, chatting to him again. hearing him laugh. but it sucked to be able to say 'i miss you'....and also, i was thinking that it would have been an awesome time to experient with a bit of phone sex seeing i was already in bed during out chat - but alas, i think that would have gone down like a lead balloon seeing as we're not together anymore.

my digsmate also said that chickenshit cornered him in the bathroom the other day (no, neither of them bat for the other team) and opened up about our break-up. the thing is, chickenshit never talks about his problems, not even to his best friend and my digsmate is a friend of his, but not his best - so this errs on the side of unusual or am i just reading into things too much?

chickenshit said that he regrets our breaking up (i broke up with him for the record - i have regretted it almost everyday) and he is doing his best to get over me. this is good right? oh well, even with sterling advice, i still can't help but punish myself with thoughts of us getting back together.

he asked if i wanted to go for drinks. i will probably see him tommorow night.

one of those days

2006-06-01T07:35:00.000-07:00

you know those days when you wake up thinking your life has changed in some amazing way - and then you go make a cup of rooibos with a smile on your face until you realise that it was a dream and that your life is still the same old, same old. yes, that was me the morning - the dork with a big smile on her face while she was waiting for the kettle to boil.

i don't know what i'm gonna do about chickenshit - what can i do? i mean, we've been broken up for almost 8 months and it still is not any easier. whoever said 'time heals all wounds' obviously hadn't experienced the type of break-up i experienced...the type that you're continuously guessing whether or not this time that you're sleeping together will be the time you get back together...hah! never happened. i swore to myself that i would not succumb to him again this year and guess what - i did, TWICE. TWICE!

and i was doing so well and i don't know what happened. i think its because we've started communicating again and we really shouldn't cause it hurts every time i get off the phone to him or receive an SMS from him. but on the other hand, i don't want to lose him.

any ideas? anyone?

.......?

2006-05-31T11:05:00.000-07:00

so alabama SMSed me last night telling me 'not to read into the fact that he hasn't contacted me in a few days'. a good sign, surely? we had a nice little SMS conversation and so i think that its safe to resume our daily communication - i SMSed him today and i am still waiting for a reply.
i will say this now and hold to it: i fucking hate unreliable men. they suck. balls. i like to be able to rely on them to at least return a SMS, i'm not even talking about initiating the conversation.

another part of my dark soul emerged its ugly head recently. as much as i go on and on about how i think i am getting over chickenshit, i don't actually know if i am. i still love him (and the last time i checked, he still loves me), i miss him, i want to hold him, i want to kiss him whenever i want to.

i am so scared that i will never get over him.

what if i don't. what if i keep comparing every guy in my life to him. what if i actually cannot face the idea of being with somebody else. what if i just cannot move on and end up alone. i am so scared that i am never going to get married one day, that i will never have a family and that he was my one and only true love and i lost him. fuck.

i don't know. i keep thinking and telling myself that perhaps he is feeling the same way but is being rational about it because he is hardly here at the moment. or am i just sitting in a big pile of smelly denial. he has never given me a concrete answer for why we cannot give us a second chance - but him being away was one such reason and the fact that the intensity and seriousness of our relationship did scare him somewhat.

i just want this year to be over so that i can hvae my honours degree and go and travel Africa next year. oh but wait - i told chickenshit about me going to work in Africa and he asked if he could maybe join me.....what? am i being silly to read into things like that? probably.

i'm finished. i just wanna sleep forever. i don't want to write my exams next week. i don't want to write my thesis. i just want my honours degree and having chickenshit back in my life would be a very much added bonus!

men. suck. big time.

2006-05-30T11:52:00.000-07:00

it is official...i really really don't like men at the moment. they are so annoying. so immature. so confused. so into playing games. so fucking wierd.

alabama finally got hold of me today and i SMSed him back two hours after i received his SMS but guess what - i'm still waiting for his reply. i am oh so slowly starting to go off him. he needs to pull up his socks or i'm gonna start walking away.

as for chickenshit. the poor guy has just been lumped into the category 'fucking men' but not undeserving. oh no. he and alabama are fighting for first place at the moment because i'm starting to see a patterm of when chickenshit contacts me - only when he is not in the country. nice guy hey?

oh well, i've got exams in just over a week so best i buckle down and do some work and try and forget about the stupid species called men.

aarrghhh!!!

so quickly

2006-05-29T01:24:00.000-07:00

i don't know whats wrong with me or perhaps alabama. i saw him on thursday and it went VERY well - as in he slept over. we said good-bye on friday morning and again, nothing seemed to be wrong between us. i SMS him on friday asking him how his day is going and he said fine and that was friday's conversation.

i spoke to a mutual friend and she said that she thinks the ball is in my court and so i SMS him on saturday asking if he wants to come for dinner and drinks with a me and some friends - he had to work, yes, on a saturday night. i was a bit surprised but nothing was too worrying at that point - 'he'll contact me on sunday' is what i was thinking.

sunday came and went. nothing. you know when you check your phone just to make sure its on. yes, thats what i kept doing. i heard more from chickenshit this weekend than alabama - that is not how its suppose to work. the less i hear from alabama the more i find myself thinking about chickenshit - no, must not!!! aarrrgghhhh!

anyways, i'm giving alabama until wednesday to contact me and if i have not heard from him byy wednesday night i think i will SMS him asking why i haven't heard from him. a joky (spelling?) yet serious SMS. and then we will see. but i must keep up my uber-confident stance around chickenshit because i can see he is wondering why...mooha ha!!

comfort stage

2006-05-26T01:47:00.000-07:00

i know, i know, the comfort stage only comes MUCH later in a relationship but i want it so badly. i want to be able to lie around in my trackie pants and not worry what alabama thinks of me. i want to be able to walk around naked and know that he loves my body and doesn't mind my wobbly-bits. i suppose that is what i really really miss about chickenshit - how comfortable we were around each other.

and there, my friends, is the problem - i find myself comparing chickenshit and alabama in terms of our comfy we are/were around each other and i know that chickenshit and i didn't start off in a comfort stage but we sure as hell ended up in one. i need to stop forcing things that should come naturally. i really am enjoying the time i'm spending with alabama and i just need to leave it at that - if thing work out then one day we too will be in a comfort stage (the good kind one when you can relax around the other person).

funny thing - chickenshit has phoned me THREE times in the last TWO days, i think he knows something is up with me - good! in fact, i actually got off the phone with him when alabama arrived, had to make an excuse to get off the phone of course.

everyone says that the start of a relationship is the best (and i agree to some degree) but i also think reaching that comfort stage is also one of the best things - knowing that that person loves you for who you are and not for what you wear or how you look. i don't mean the comfort stage when you let yourself and your relationship go but the comfort stage that is so wonderful because you are with someone because of what they do for me and how they make you feel even when you yourself feel yucky.

yes, i will keep seeing alabama because i like him and i like spending time with him (he is a bit laidback though but thats ok i reckon because i'm so highly strung) and perhaps one day we will reach that comfort stage - you can just keep on chugging away until you wake up and realise that you love the person sleeping next to you and you don't mind if they don't always dress up to impress you because they impress you by just being themselves.

goodness, but i am a romantic sometimes! haha!

the phonecall

2006-05-24T08:39:00.000-07:00

so chickenshit just phoned me from overseas (well, more overland really but he is in a foreign country) and i answered. when i answered and said that i wasn't sure if it was him he EVEN asked me if i would've have answered if i had known it was him....what was i suppose to say? no, i don't want to speak to you ever again because i am trying to move on with my life and everytime i speak to you i get my hopes up.
however, if i had said that i do believe i would be lying because this phonecall did not make me depressed and i did not want to tell him how much i miss and love him and my hopes did NOT get 'upped'...so....perhaps i am finally moving on and i think it does have something to do with alabama entering my life.

in fact, when my cel phone started ringing i was disappointed because it wasn't alabama (i had phoned him earlier and left a voice message) so perhaps this means that the pain is FINALLY disappearing and i am officially moving on with my life? this is a great feeling.

don't get me wrong, i still do find myself thinking about me and chickenshit and how great we were together but then i stop myself and think about what a shit he started being towards me at the end of our relationship and during our rather 'messy' breakup. but i am finding myself thinking more and more about alabama and in a very postitive way (if he doesn't phone me back then i might regress into a slight 'i miss chickenshit and want him back' stage but i've had those before and i'm feeling stronger than i've ever felt regarding my situation so i CAN handle it!)

my two mantra's for this year are: 'i can do this' and 'i can handle it'. just gotta keep saying them and believing them.

oh, and i still won't be contacting chickenshit, he'll probably aks why and i'll tell him that its not something i have to do anymore and then i think (and slightly fear) that all communication between us will end. but perhaps that is the best thing?

oh well, i can't tell the future (wish i could) and i'll just keep taking one day at a time (i sound like an alcoholic! haha!) and whatever happens, happens!!!

seeing vs. dating

2006-05-22T11:46:00.000-07:00

i'm in the midst of perhaps seeing someone (well i'm hoping!).

i'm one of those people who believes there is a difference between seeing someone and dating someone. seeing someone means that the two people are not exclusive which means you can still go out and see other people and whatnot. dating someone means that you're exclusive and seeing other people is NOT an option.

this new man in my life, we'll call him alabama, is what i am hoping is a potential seeing person and then perhaps something more. however, because i have been out of this whole dating/seeing game i'm not exactly sure on the protocol. i mean, how many times should you contact the guy or do i play games and do the whole 'well, he contacted me yesterday so i guess its my turn'. but i've never been one for game playing. i think its stupid and i believe that if you wanna SMS someone just to say hi then you should. however, the problem lies in the fact that perhaps alabama might get scared off. now don't get me wrong - i'm not a psycho stalker - but if i like the person i do like to contact them...especially if i think they like me.

i'm just worried that i may be getting over-excited about this guy and could scare him off. but then i suppose if my contacting him scares him off then he couldn't be the man for me anyways? or am i just trying to build up some sort of defence to ensure that if it doesn't work out then i can always say that he just wasn't the man for me.

oh goodness, all these thoughts in my head. i really should listen to what my heart says and act on it cause at least then i can say that i did my best and i went for it and if it didn't work out then at least i know that i gave it a try.

i really hope it works out because he really is a great guy and i haven't been this excited since chickenshit and i first started dating. oh well, i will not give my everything - i will hold back somewhat but i REFUSE to play games and the minute i think that thats whats going on then i will confront the issue.

its scary to find myself feeling like this (i have to stop myself feeling guilty towards and about chickenshit even though we've been broken up for almost 8 months! stupid girl i am) but at the same time its exciting and fun and i MUST ensure that it stays that way....

moving on...and on...

2006-05-22T00:18:00.000-07:00

last night's dinner with my ex went well...we chatted about stuff (nothing serious as in the 'us' topic) and it didn't seem awkward like the last time we met up so i suppose thats good. i think he misses me. in fact, i can see it in his eyes...and you know what, yes i miss him but i think i am FINALLY moving on - moving on to fresher pastures, don't know if they're greener, thats something I look forward to finding out.

i still don't plan on communicating with my ex anymore - i just don't think its a good idea because it keeps me hooked on to him somehow and if this moving on business is going to work, well i need to be let go by him and i need to let go of the past.

i'm keeping my fingers crossed for this new man...must not scare him off, i must be cool and just allow things to happen. i must not force anything, i must just enjoy his company and really, just have FUN!!!

my blog is doing some wierd stuff - its not showing my last post ('picking up'). aarrgghhh = technology!!!!!! sometimes you just have to wonder.

picking up

2006-05-21T09:58:00.000-07:00

it looks like things are starting to get better for me. i have met SUCH a wonderful guy - he's clever, funny, sweet and very good looking (he looks like the blonde dude from Sweet Home Alabama). I met him on friday night, we kissed and then i heard from him on saturday and then i've just gotten back from coffee with him now.

don't wanna get my hopes up BUT i'm actually getting quite excited about this guy and i never thought that this feeling of butterflies in my stomach would come back again after my ex. but they have!! i actually wanna see more of this guy, i want to talk to him and find out everything about him (which definitely was not the case with all the other flings i've had this year).

so i will just have to see.... :) :)

onto other news, i also saw my ex today and he was looking very sad with life (i reckon its because he knows that i'm actually starting to move on with my life). he told me that he was hoping to get to chat to me after my hockey game but he wasn't able to so i mentioned the idea of us going out for dinner. he said cool so that's what i'm doing tonight. should be interesting, as per usual.

i just hope i have the strength to reject him if anything, and i mean 'ANYTHING', comes up. he is my weakness and i really do need to fight it...especially because of this potential new man in my life! i also need to tell him not to phone me anymore but i feel so mean because he's away so much and gets very lonely and depressed and i suppose i was his outlet (i wonder why his office floozy isn't? or maybe she is and he is just playing her (and was just playing me). i don't know because i am NOT a mean person and doing this and seeing him look so dejecting just makes me feel so bad. i guess i will just have to see how tonight goes.

maybe he too has realised that we cannot be friends and thats what he wants to chat about. or maybe he is now together with the floozy and he wants to give me a heads-up. oh well, i will keep my chin up and make him realise what a mistake it was for us to break up.

positive and negative

2006-05-18T07:39:00.000-07:00

good news - the healer helped a LOT. she said that my problems stem from when i was a little girl and me always trying to see the positive in people, especially my dad during his alcoholic stage, and that has led me to be blinded my people's bad sides (ie my ex) and only try and see the good in them even if it means hurting myself during the process.

she then told me to go to 'sleep' and it was wierd because i was not alseep but i was not awake, rather my body was in this place inbetween the two and i could feel it in my entire body. i couldn't actually move any part of me using my mind, my body just kinda moved on its own. i also kept having REALLY wierd thoughts (such as hamsters and boots?) and when she 'woke' me up i felt 'empty' for lack of a better word. it was almost as if she had cleansed me of the badness that was consuming me. i feel happy again.

however, she said that i still need work on resolving these issues with my ex. i'll be going back for a group 'role-playing' session on sunday and hopefully at this thing i will be able to resolve my issues and tell my ex to piss off out of my life which means i can then move on and forget about him and his floozy of a work collegue.

oh, its on.......

therapy

2006-05-18T02:48:00.000-07:00

going to see the healer in less than an hour. my only hope is that she is able to help me make sense of my mess of a life and then in some way is also able to make me stop crying at random and inappropriate times and really just make me feel better about myself.

its scary how much faith i am putting in her...i suppose its because i have already tried to sort my shit out by myself and that obviuosly hasn't helped (as saturday night is testament to) so my last 'resort' really is alternative therapy.

so i'll just have to cross my thumbs and hope that my life takes on a new turn from this afternoon...

angry...bleak...pissed off

2006-05-17T09:05:00.000-07:00

you know what makes me angry...well one of the things anyways....is when you hvae accomplished something really really great and people procede to almost mock it because they won something that is not even in the same category of achievements. i'm sorry for wanting to celebrate my achievement with MY friends (yes, my friends because they sure as hell aren't the other involved person's friends).

people just amaze me....why can't they just be happy for you instead of mocking your achievements because they like to upstage other people in terms of achievements. i'm not competitive when it comes to these types of things but it still annoys me that people can be so pathetic. and at this stage of my life (don't know whether to cry or shout half the time) it just makes me even more angry with the way people act towards the person face-2-face and then how they act or what they say once that person (me) has left. aarrgghhhh!

oh well, some people i suppose are just like that and perhaps i should feel sorry for them that they have no other way of celebrating something other than mocking someone else's achievements. i guess i will once again have to be the bigger person in this game called life.

the end is nigh

2006-05-16T08:46:00.000-07:00

today is the day that i have decided that my ex and i cannot be friends because he uses me when he is lonely and I only ever hear from him when, i'm assuming, his office floozie isn't around for a quick shag. it just sucks because i really saw myself marrying him one day and it is so hard to give up on the idea because when we do see each other we pretty much act like we're a couple. which i know is only hurting myself in the long run because he is getting what he wants (sex) and i am definitely NOT getting what i want (relationship). he is getting his cake and eating the ENTIRE thing!

I have made this decision and i shall stick to it. i have made this decision so many times since we broke up and kept going back but not this time. I shall not phone him and if, IF, IF he phones me i shall tell him to stop contacting me until he's sorted his shit out and I will only see him at mutual friends' or interest gatherings and THAT IS THAT. i cannot keep putting myself out there for him and then he crushes my soul with one action. i will have the control and the power, this time.

in terms of me sinking or swimming - i chose to take some action in getting my life somewhat back in order. i am going to see a healer on thursday. she's helped me before and i'm hoping she can help me again. it just sucks though because i get these waves of panic in me about how much work i have to do and how i actually can't do it until we've covered the work in lectures and that has yet to happen! aarrgghhh!

i'm hoping this healer chick will clear my head and make me see things in a different perspective regarding work, men and my ex and will be able to help me journey into a better place than where i am now.

drowning

2006-05-15T11:45:00.000-07:00

you know when a deadline is so close and you're nowhere near reaching that goal...? its called drowning. thats me, thats my life. i am at the bottom of the ocean and my life support is slowing running out. there are a few bubbles of oxygen, but not enough to sustain my livelihood. what do you do. you could keep pumping away and hope that you make it to the top...or you could just lie at the bottom and patiently wait for all your oxygen to run out.

i know i am a fighter and i know that i will continue to swim, even if it is at the bottom of the ocean and the surface does not look any closer as each day wears on. but you know what, sometimes i wish i was a quitter. sometimes i wish i could just lie at the bottom of the ocean and let my oxgyen slowly deplete. but i would feel quilty. in fact, the guilt would probably kill me off quicker than the lack of oxygen.

i have so much work to do. so much fucking work to do. and i can't start doing it until we've covered the information in lecturers otherwise what i learn might be wrong. and you know what sucks more that anything - my first exam is less than 3 weeks away and i have yet to make notes for it, let alone actually study for it. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! and i don't have to cum laude this year, but after having cum lauded last year, you kinda feel that everyone expects it - i know my lecturers do. they haven't stopped telling me how they expect me to be going into the exam with 75%, no 80%. what the fuck....? compliment - yes, crappy - very much so, pressure and stress - hell fucking yes!!!!! I WILL DO MY BEST AND THATS IT.

oh well, if you don't hear from me again its probably because i ceased to swim and instead, chose to lie at the bottom of the ocean and watch life pass me by...

in a bad place

2006-05-14T08:26:00.000-07:00

yes, it is official - i am having a breakdown. last night i saw the ex and he was being wierd yet again and then that made me upset. he left and i stayed chatting to everyone else - secretly dying inside. i then go to the loo with a friend and i started crying while she continued talking to me. she did not even know.

from these everyone went their separate ways and guess what - i had NOWHERE to go. yes, thats right, nowhere to go, nobody's arms to cuddle in and i then proceeded to drive home while i howled, screamed and cried for a good hour. i phoned my brother and he couldn't help because he too was out. i phoned my dad and his new wife, they did not answer their cel phones...all through this i cried and cried and cried.....not even knowing why.

eventually i got hold of my friend and she and her boyfriend (my other brother) came over to keep me company. we went out for dinner after i had pulled myself together somewhat and afterwards i literally passed out from exhaustion - i wish i could say from booze at least then i would have an explanation for my behaviour.

what worries me the most is i am not exactly sure why i was so upset. it has been long coming, in fact, this entire week i've been on the verge of tears. i know seeing my ex and the way he acted towards me had something to do with it but thats not the entire reason. i have no fucking idea what made me breakdown the way i did. the time has come for me to cut ties with the ex - tell him once and for all to leave me alone til he sorts his shit out so at least i can somehow come outta my bad place....it sucks but i know i need to do it - any chances of us getting back together went flying out the window on wednesday and yesterday and today i realise that he is draining me of ANY life force i may actually have buried deep beneath my depressed self.

in short, i cannot do this alone and i am against seeing a psychologist because they'll refer me to a psychiatrist and they'll want to put me on medication which i do not want. i beleive the human body can work itself out of depression provided its not a chemical imbalance (and i don't think i have one of those, my mum and my brother do but i'm hoping i don't).

i'm going to see a healer. she helped me last time i was in a bad place and i'm hoping this time she will come to my rescue again.........

The Verdict

2006-05-11T05:37:00.000-07:00

And here I go: my ex phoned last night and we went for drinks. and i think that that was i needed to realise that we won't be getting back together...not now...maybe one day but who is to say....we seem to have lost that vibe between us that kept me guessing his and my intentions. perhaps he was just tired (which i don't blame him seeing as he has not had much sleep in the lasy few days) but he just didn't seem all that excited to be having drinks with me.

logically speaking, it makes sense for us not to be together right now (even though I would love nothing more) - he's away for long periods of time until the end of next year and I'm going overseas the middle of nest year. so yes, we shouldn't be together now even though we have always gotten on - even last night with the missing vibe - but perhaps one day, in a couple of years we will bump into each other, go for a drink, and perhaps one thing will lead to another.

but you what - even though I say all this now, i would still be with him even though he's not here half the time but hey, its his loss for taking the leap. i know many men who would have given their left hand to be with me (i know this sounds arrogant and I'm really not an arrogant person, its just i have been told this by a fair many men - they probably were just trying to get into my pants! haha!).

anyways, only time will tell what will happen and as the cliche goes: everything happens for a reason and perhaps their is a good reason why we should not be together right now and perhaps I'll never know it but i just gotta believe that there is a reason and that my best interests are at heart........

still can't help wonder why I can't keep (or get) a boyfriend though....

angry and confused

2006-05-10T08:53:00.000-07:00

you know....men just suck, they really do. i wish i lesbian sometimes just so i don't have to play stupid games with stupid men. if they love you when why the fuck don't they pull up their socks and do something about it? i'm asking, no i'm begging someone for an answer!!!!!!!

why is does life make itself so difficult to handle. why can't i wake up one morning and find myself with my honours degree and my ex as my boyfriend.....it would be awesome if dreams came true.

he said he would phone me when he got back from his work trip, which he did, i couldn't talk so i said i would phone him later but he said he would phone me back when he had finished dinner with his digsmate and their discussion on living arrangements (likely story) or tomorrow (today) if it was too late to phone me back. now on occasion he has phoned me at 11pm which is quite late so i thought i would SMS him telling him i was going to bed and not to phone me but rather i would hear from him tomorrow - no reply, and it is now 'tomorrow' evening and NO phonecall. aarrgghhhh!!! if he is still fucking his work collegue i am going to have major issues with life and men and might just indeed become lesbian.

why can't i keep a relationship? honestly now, why can i not keep a relationship. i'm fairly attractive and smart. i've got a good sense of humour, a decent figure, play sports, very good in bed, drink properly, know how to have fun and be serious and i'm really not that demanding compared to other girlfriends i know of. in fact, i always thought i was under demanding. I JUST DON'T GET IT...!!!??????????????????

anyways, enough of moaning and 'woe betide me'. i think i shall take action. i am going to phone that little fucker and see what is up. fuck games. they're for kids and they really are just silly.

mmmmm....men

2006-05-07T09:22:00.000-07:00

this weekend has been as massive one...i can barely breathe from smoking so much and i do believe my liver as gone M.I.A. should be an interesting week ahead of me!

better news - i got 'some 'n some' on friday night with an absolute hottie!! grrrr! however, i saw him again yesterday and alas, nothing happened. depressing but not dead. if and when i see him again (and i hope i do) i will definetly pull out the big guns.

my cousin is so annoying....she does not let people give me compliments. she interrupts them to say how come they are not giving her compliments. she told her boyfriend and the hottie to stop talking to me because i was getting too much attention. how fucking pathetic. needless to say, the three of us made a big joke out of it. oh well...she'll realise what a ponce she can be one day!

and then they were gone....

2006-05-04T12:34:00.000-07:00

there were three men in my life (excluding my chickenshit ex-boyfriend). they all had their qualities, if i think really hard about it, but alas, none of them tickled my fancy. there was just no 'spark' to quote colon cleaner between us. i was not excited about any of them...

colon cleaner said there was no spark between us and i would have to agree - its not my fault the mere thought of kissing him made me go weak at the knees and not in a very good way at all. oh, i heard all of this through a mutual friend - the guy didn't even have the balls to tell me himself. i haven't heard from him in over a week...not particulary sad about that.

after i went and watched that movie with leg groper i was too freaked out. his hand NEVER left my leg and i cut my gums trying to get popcorn out of my teeth as he rips my hand away to hold it - aaarrrgghhhhh! back off buddy!!!!

and the player dude, well, he found another chick which is a good thing because he had as much hope of scoring me (again i'm ashamed to admit) as this computer does!!

oh well...you win some, you lose some.

however, the hunt is now on for some new boys - mooha ha!

shit

2006-05-02T10:15:00.000-07:00

thats all I have to say is shit - live just does not get any better....you think you're on top of everything but you know what, you're not. you never are. ever.

i feel like i am drowning in a sea of essays and reading...and everytime i think I am getting a break, it turns out to be an illusion of an airbubble and I go back to sinking to the bottom of a very depressing life that I call mine. oh how fucking sad.

anyways, i just had to bitch and moan...if I don't write again its because I drowned in my sea and no one stopped to find out if I was coping (which i'm not if you can't tell and all my lecturers seem to think I am...aarrggghhhhh, compliment - yes, helping me -no)

overs. fucked. who cares.

2006-04-25T12:07:00.000-07:00

there is a REM song that goes something like this: "its been a bad day, please don't take a picture of me...". yes, that is how i am, and have been feeling for the last couple of days. life just does not get any better, worse yes, but better no.

i have a massive assignment due for next week tuesday, i am in the process of doing research for it - i have realised that i am FUCKED. my essay actually has no logical point, it makes no sense...in fact, if i manage to get 5000 words out of it i can guarantee anyone that it will be THE biggest, hugest amount of shit ever written. i am attempting to compare Zulu nationalism, African nationalism and the IFP. logically, the IFP is more related to Zulu nationalism considering that it is made pretty much up of Zulus. however, from the research I have done, Zulu nationalism only came to the fore when the IFP came into the political scene - so my essay will probably revolve around me trying to show that the IFP is more African nationalism than Zulu nationalism..........shouldbe interesting, to say the least. when i fail my essay, i may cry.

on other news - i have discovered that i am a culinary genius. Pick 'n Pay have these quick curry meals - they are DELICIOUS!!!!!!! i had one tonight, with copius amounts of red wine, while i watched Smallville - a very sad, shock, happy episode if i do say so myself - and i thoroughly enjoyed every 'serves 3' morsels i had (noting there is only one of me! ha ha!)

other news....hating my life as you can tell and not only in terms of work. think i fucked up with the three boys in my life. have not heard from the 'smitten' boy (which is not great heartache), and the colon cleaner told my friend that there was no spark between us (whew). and the 'let me graunch your leg while we watch an innocent movie' boy, well...i was suppose to see him tomorrow night but he got hold of me too late and i eventually made other plans - which involve a really hot cousin of my friend's boyfriend..grrrr....so perhaps i could start another list and make him the top of it...???

oh, have not heard from HIM. not expecting to, but it would be nice to know that i am being though of....asshole. yes, i do call him these names but fuck it, i still love him....way too much.

happier news - going to see my mum this weekend! yay! we shall drink lots of wine, eats lots of food and i shall also start and finish a 5000 word essay which will probablybe comprised of utter shit...

blah

2006-04-24T11:41:00.000-07:00

i don't know whats wrong with me...beginning of the year i was so motivated to do well in terms of doing well and now I am SO demotivated its actually starting to scare me. now i'm just 'blah' - worn out, burnt out, fucking exhausted...

i don't seem to care if i have work to do - my guilty conscious feels like its slipping away and thats what has normally kept me going...i just don't seem to care what happens if i don't do my work but yet i'm still panicking about how far behind i am in some of my subjects. so really, i'm just a walking contradiction - i don't want to do any work but yet i keep worrying about all the work i need to catch up on! i seem to find so many more things to do instead of working, such as painting my toenails, napping and really just staring at my books...

aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

i suppose as the saying goes and i really should take heed: procrastination is like masturbation, it feels good at the time but in the end you're only fucking yourself.....

all lies

2006-04-23T14:36:00.000-07:00

Whoever said you could remain friends with your ex boyfriend was lying or has exceptionally strong will power. i find it exruciatingly difficult - not because we don't get along, quite the opposite really, we get on the same as before we broke up, if not better actually.

it sucks because all you wanna do is tell that person 'i love you' or kiss or hold them and you cannot - it is a very very very crappy feeling. so then you decide never to speak to them again - make it easier on your heart and whatnot. that doesn't work because as soon as see each other all resistance crumbles and you're back to flirting your ass off with the ex significant other and vica versa. then you decide, what the fuck, lets still communicate with each other and i think, thats when it gets the hardest...

because you wanna keep talking to them for ever and ever and you want to SMS that person before you go to sleep at night saying goodnight but you can't because the ex might freak out or read into into wrongly. all i wanna do is tell my ex how much i miss him and i wish i was with him but i can't do that because we're apparently broken up yet when we're together and even on the phone we seem to be together as intimately as two people can be without the sex and kissing etc. it hurts and i know it hurts him.

the problem, as mentioned before, is that he is a coward. i have taken that leap by telling him I still love him - only to hear him say the same thing and how he thinks about me, and us, almost every other day. what an idiot. but its fine, i will keep contacting him and keep restricting myself in terms of what i say and SMS but i'm also not gonna SMS or phone him for a couple of days - i just wanna see if he gets hold of me first.

stupid fucking game playing - i hate, HATE, HATE playing games.

going slightly mad

2006-04-22T00:37:00.000-07:00

last nite i had a slight meltdown while talking to my best friend over copius amounts of red wine. she and i were arguing over the idea of me and my ex getting back together - it wouldn't happen, we both know it - hell, i know it but yet we persist in this argument and it gets more and more heated.

eventually i bring out the big guns - i start attacking her relationship with her alcoholic boyfriend and my abuse on their relationship only gets worse and worse until even when i can see that i hurt her, i continue to berate him and their relationship. but i'm not a heartless bitch, far from it actually, and i apologise to her - of course this does bring out tears on my side saying how sorry i am and how sad i am for thinking my ex and i could ever make it work again (even though this morning i'm convince that we can).

this then leads me to start crying about how I will be single for ever and how i might as well start looking into artificial insemination for when i'm older and all my friends have husbands and i'm the scary old singleton with lots of cats!

however, this meltdown doesn't end there...fuck, wish it had but no, once i get started crying and i've been drinking red wine its almost impossible to get me to stop - last night a good packet of biltong managed to make me stop long enough to eat the stuff and then light up more cigarettes than is humanly possible. before the biltong came to my aid i managed to talk about how i feel that everyone thinks i'm ok and doing well where meanwhile i'm literally dying inside - i really just want one person to look me in the eye and actually ask :"twoflower, are you ok?" and you know what, i probably am fine but the thought of someone caring enough to ask me that makes me feel better.

it was 2am and my meltdown was slowing coming to an end thanks to an awesome friend (who did honours in psych thank god!) and to lots of red wine (which is still sitting in my car) and to biltong (for which i have a craving for and must go buy some more!) and this morning, i feel almost as good as gold for getting so much shit off my chest and me and my best friend, we're still best friends....thank god!

skankypants?

2006-04-20T15:07:00.000-07:00

i have three men in my life, who (as skanky as this makes me sound) really mean nothing to me and if i think about it really hard, i'm just playing them...but I can't help it, i just came out of a serious relationship and my heart really is not in the mood for more shit so i thought that having some fun with them would be the order for the day.

however, the problem lies in the fact that one of them seems to have perhaps fallen for me slightly - but I really have no butterflies in my tummy. nothing. nada. perhaps one could even say it feels like indigestion? the other guy is really sweet but his kiss feels like he is trying to clean my colon out - so not fun!
the last guy, well, it was more of a blind date and i don't think it went very well, but he was (think he took the hint)"smitten" with me but alas, i have not heard from him since.

the other problem is that I am still madly in love with my ex. thought I was over him but hey, these things surprise you! but the annoying thing is that he still loves me but he doesn't want to give it a second chance...yet. it really is stupid because we get on so well and we're so compatible but we're not together? stupid coward.

oh well, will keep doing what i do and perhaps find three new guys to fill the void for a while...i do feel slightly skanky though having three guys on the sly but I suppose one has to do it every now and again? right?