a sorry sight...
wearing my very unique dressing gown, drinking red wine and eating a healthy snack (peanuts covered in yoghurt) on the couch while watching grey's anatomy is what was called by my digsmate 'a sorry sight'...*sigh* perhaps i am a bit of a sorry sight.
had a somewhat bad day...i've been doing pretty well with this whole no contact between CS and me but today i went to gym and i wore a T-shirt of mine that he sometimes wore to work when he slet over and forgot to pack a bag. this T-shirt was huge for me, collared and somewhat decent so he was able to pull it off. so anyways, back to this afternoon - of course i still think of him and what we had but i was doing well. i managed to cut those thoughts off quickly and somehow distracted myself.
alas today, it was different. i went to gym (yes, go me!) and i wore this T-shirt that he had obviously worn and washed it for me and i had unknowingly put it back into my closet still smelling of him, his deodarent, his smell and his washing powder. so there i sat during the gym class smelling him, remembering him, wishing for his smell to become part of my life again. i even caught myself sneaking smells off during a breather or two - i must have looked rather dodgy smelling my tummy and whatnot. truth be told - it sucked smelling him again. it hurt really really badly. it made me miss him again. it made me what to pick up the phone and call him. it made me feel like shit. utter shit.
aaaaarrgghhhh!!!!!!!!!! i fucking hate men and what they can do to women!!! ok, fine. i won't generalise - i hate CS right now and what he has done to me (when i am drinking heavily i sneak into the bathroom to have a bit of tizz. when i smell his smell i just want him back in my life no matter how much he fucked me over). aarrgghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ITS BEEN A BAD BAD DAY...
but i suppose this has been the first extreme bad day since we had the talk almost three days ago. i'll probably see him on thursday at practice - i will just act cool. i'm having lunch with one of my scores on thursday - hmmm, should be interesting to say the least. i am getting my blood test results (yes, the big HIV and then some...i am being responsible and taking charge of my life no matter what) on wednesday and i am postively SHITTING myself - i don't think i have anything to worry about but then your mind starts to think too much. i got these tests done on friday so its been a LOOOOOONG wait.
so really, all in all, i suppose my digsmate was correct when he called me a sorry sight.....
had a somewhat bad day...i've been doing pretty well with this whole no contact between CS and me but today i went to gym and i wore a T-shirt of mine that he sometimes wore to work when he slet over and forgot to pack a bag. this T-shirt was huge for me, collared and somewhat decent so he was able to pull it off. so anyways, back to this afternoon - of course i still think of him and what we had but i was doing well. i managed to cut those thoughts off quickly and somehow distracted myself.
alas today, it was different. i went to gym (yes, go me!) and i wore this T-shirt that he had obviously worn and washed it for me and i had unknowingly put it back into my closet still smelling of him, his deodarent, his smell and his washing powder. so there i sat during the gym class smelling him, remembering him, wishing for his smell to become part of my life again. i even caught myself sneaking smells off during a breather or two - i must have looked rather dodgy smelling my tummy and whatnot. truth be told - it sucked smelling him again. it hurt really really badly. it made me miss him again. it made me what to pick up the phone and call him. it made me feel like shit. utter shit.
aaaaarrgghhhh!!!!!!!!!! i fucking hate men and what they can do to women!!! ok, fine. i won't generalise - i hate CS right now and what he has done to me (when i am drinking heavily i sneak into the bathroom to have a bit of tizz. when i smell his smell i just want him back in my life no matter how much he fucked me over). aarrgghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ITS BEEN A BAD BAD DAY...
but i suppose this has been the first extreme bad day since we had the talk almost three days ago. i'll probably see him on thursday at practice - i will just act cool. i'm having lunch with one of my scores on thursday - hmmm, should be interesting to say the least. i am getting my blood test results (yes, the big HIV and then some...i am being responsible and taking charge of my life no matter what) on wednesday and i am postively SHITTING myself - i don't think i have anything to worry about but then your mind starts to think too much. i got these tests done on friday so its been a LOOOOOONG wait.
so really, all in all, i suppose my digsmate was correct when he called me a sorry sight.....
posted by TwoFlower at 11:57 AM
3 Comments:
Oi! The boyfriend blues! Got them too, he just never was my boyfriend though. If it is any consolation, it will happen again. Sorry. But in the meantime wallow, sulk, and then go out and have some male free fun. Hang in there!
All the best for the test results! And if by some slight chance the 'positive' result is what comes up, then I am pretty certain you'll be able to rally a great support group & establish a good way to manage life & the future. [I think I just used your forum to pump the Stigma Elimination message!...]
I hope your delayed Sunday night blues are already being quelled and that by lunch time the week will be in 3rd gear, and will be its usual silly self come Friday!
Oh dear TF, Sorry sight? Sod the digs mate for saying so.... when women are relxed and just themselves in a "gown" its actually sexy... there you have it!
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